In this season of Lent my spirit has been drawn to the word “Peace” over and over again and as we approach Easter, I want to take a few minutes to share what my heart, mind and spirit have been going through.
Peace, Is It Possible?
When my entire world crashed, crumbled and changed, the thought of living didn’t even seem possible, let alone ever being at peace again. It’s hard to imagine being content and having a heart at peace when pieces of my heart are missing.
The wholeness I once knew will not be known again in this earthly life, and coming to terms with that is an everyday challenge for me. My heart and mind are in a constant state of processing the before and after. What my life was before Caleb died and what life is after. The best way to describe it is like I’m standing at the ocean’s shore watching the waves come in then go back out, come in then go back out, come in and go back out all day long. While I can’t say if my mind will ever be at rest from processing the trauma of Caleb’s death, I can say with certainty that peace-like-a-river flows through my heart and spirit.
Peace does not mean to be in the absence of pain, hardship or grief. It means to be in the midst of those and still be calm in your heart. This kind of peace does not exist within ourselves and the world alone cannot offer it to us. This peace is only possible through Jesus. I have a lot of life experience and have been faced with many hardships in my life. I know what my heart feels like without Jesus, and I know what it feels like with Him. The latter is the only way I am able to survive the pain and grief of child loss. As of today, I’m 32 months a bereaved mother and I’m devastated. Being at peace in my heart simply means I am unified with God and we are in harmony with one another, it doesn’t mean that I don’t or won’t feel all the emotions that come with grief. I have no hatred or discord towards Him for all the ways my world changed on August 12, 2019. Do I believe that He works miracles and can save people from tragedy and suffering? I do. For reasons I won’t know until I get to Heaven, He didn’t do that for us. I really wish He would have, but I love him all the same knowing that He didn’t. I can’t control what happens in the world around me, but I can control whether or not my heart remains steady through the storms.
Forgive me for making it sound so simple, because it’s not. My relationship with Him isn’t as cut and dry as it used to be. It’s messy, it’s complicated and it’s hard. I have questions, so many questions. I’ve had doubts, I have anger, I don’t pray like I once did, I don’t read my Bible or do devotions like I used to. What hasn’t wavered? My love for Him, the hope I have in Him to restore me, the faith I have in Him to carry me and the trust He is, undoubtedly, worthy of.
If your heart is in turmoil and you find yourself longing for peace, it is possible for your heart to be calm in the storm. Run to Jesus, His arms are open wide.