My name is Chrisy. I love my family, my friends, my mini golden doodle, my morning coffee, traveling, hiking, music and photography. I’ve been married to my husband for 21 years and have 3 amazing children. Caleb, who will forever be 17 and 2 lovely daughters who are 14 and 7. Until the evening of August 12, 2019, I was an everyday working woman who went about life “normally” day in and day out. I became a Christian at the age of 20 and at 40, I had the opportunity to decide if my faith was real or not. When my son Caleb died suddenly by suicide that tragic Monday evening, I had a choice to trust God or run far away from him. I’ve spent everyday since in deep grief, depending on God, relying on my faith and honoring my son any way I can. Join me here to keep up with how I’m doing and follow my Journey for Caleb.

It was a regular, calm evening and I went for a walk while I waited for oldest daughter to finish her horse riding lesson. My heart was whole and perfectly content. My peaceful walk turned chaotic and left me in a thousand shattered pieces after a phone call with my husband that I will never be able to unhear. He came home from soccer practice with our youngest daughter and saw a nightmare in real time. In a mere moment of weakness, our seventeen year old precious, happy and loving son completed suicide. The most horrific nightmare a parent could ever experience happened to us with no warning and no explanation afterwards. It was a bright, sunny and hot Summer day that went dark and cold when our family of five became four in an instant. My heart was beating out of my chest, I became blinded by tears, my senses went numb, I was shaking, screaming and confused. I blinked my eyes and my future went dark, my dreams unraveled as life as I knew it came crashing down around me. The hours, days and weeks that followed brought overwhelming grief, I couldn’t see that it was possible to survive the death of my child. With a husband, two daughters, many loved ones and friends, I realized quickly that going on was my only option. Since that very traumatic Monday evening, I’ve been working hard to see through this fog of tragedy while taking painful steps forward without my firstborn child. I’m learning how to manage grief in day to day life and not be controlled by unrelenting sorrow. I will never understand how we got here but with each day that comes and goes, God comforts me, my faith drives me and hope lights my way.

Always Andy's Mom Podcast

A few weeks after Caleb died I was desperate for anyone who could relate to what I was going through. One day I googled “Encouraging Podcast after losing a child,” and “Always Andy’s Mom” came up. I clicked and listened to her first episode that she has just released a few weeks before. After listening to the first few episodes, I reached out to her and she invited me to share my story. Here is my first episode from January 9, 2020 and my second one on on August 20, 2020.

My Whole World

Love

I love the life I share with him. We’ve expereinced the good, the bad, the ugly, the horrible and everything in between. I’m thankful for our commitment to each other through the calm and through the storms.

Grateful

My firstborn child and only son. I loved being his mom and I wasn’t finished raising him. In his short seventeen years, he made me incredibly grateful to be his mom. I’m so proud of the legacy of love he left behind.

Blessed

My oldest daughter. She is a kind hearted, lovely, smart, friendly and mature young lady. She is the second mommy of the home, works hard in school and has a very fun and bright future in front of her.

Thankful

My baby who completed our family. She is funny, caring and still loves to climb in my lap and cuddle. Her sweet spirit and silly personality has helped me through some very difficult days. She can always bring a smile.

It has never been harder to walk by faith and not by sight. Every mother on this earth would want and need a reason, an answer, an explanation for her child’s death. I don’t get one. I have to focus on what I know to be true about God, and not on what I don’t know about my child’s death. I have to rest in what I know is true about my son. Caleb did not want to die. We know that he would never intentionally and knowingly hurt anyone and he would take it back if he could. I do not grieve as one without hope and I have learned what having joy truly means. Joy is the honest and authentic stability of the soul. Where tears and joy exist authentically.

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I use my raw, honest and broken heart to share my story, bring awareness and encourage families to talk to their children about suicide.

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This human experience is hard! It can be beautiful and it can be broken, but how to live with both is what I’m trying and learning how to do.

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My interests, my relationships, my everything has changed since losing Caleb. I will never be who I was before losing him. I mourn who I used to be and I mourn the life I had with my 3 children.