10 Truths I Learned About Myself In 2020: Life After Child Loss
2020 will be the first calendar year that I will have lived without my firstborn child and only son, Caleb, who died unexpectedly on August 12, 2019. He didn't get to graduate with the Class of 2020, He didn't get to vote for the first time and we didn't get to drop...
A Thrill Of Hope, My Weary Soul Rejoices
Have you ever found yourself in an unfathomable moment? A moment when you had no idea how life would or could go on? An appointment when you learned your loved one has cancer? Your hopes of holding your newborn baby crumble at the sound of a silent ultrasound? The day...
YOU Are A Big Deal Around Here!
If you’re a living, breathing human you don’t need to know the actual statistic to know that a lot of people attempt or die from suicide every minute of every day. You also don't have to have lost someone you know to suicide to “know” the pain and devastation that it...
Surviving The Holidays After Child Loss
As I endure the second holiday season without my oldest child, I wanted to share about my experience last year. Thanksgiving came just 3 1/2 months after he died, and all I wanted to do was crawl in a hole and hide until the season was over. In November and December...
How Do I Live Without You?
A few days ago I made it through the 450th day as a bereaved mother, the day I took this photo. If I’m going to share how much pain I’m in, I might as well show it. I came home from a hard day and went straight to my deck. I needed to clear my head, feel the fresh...
Holding on and Letting Go
While this post is about how I have held onto and let go of my son’s tangible things, It’s also about how I’ve held on and let go emotionally. There is a strong pull in my heart and a choice I have to make daily, do I want to stay stuck in the past with Caleb or go...
My Heart On The Outside
I Love You More On November 19, 2019, I walked into a tattoo parlor to get my first tattoo. I wanted a tribute to my son whom I could no longer physically share with the world. I wanted a conversation starter, so that I could tell people who Caleb is when they asked...
My Dearest Caleb…
I’ve really struggled with whether or not I wanted to share this letter. I’ve been writing it on and off for about eight months. My therapist suggested early on that I write Caleb two letters, one for what I would say when I got home that night and we continued our...
Broken Heart, Faithful Prayer
Feeling destroyed but hopeful, I prayed for God to give me a sign that he sees me, that he can hear me, that he knows I'm suffering and that he is with me. It was October 21, 2019, the 70th day since Caleb had died and I prayed specifically for him to send me signs...
A Letter to Myself
Dear mom who did everything right but your child died anyway, I watched you on Sunday, August 18, 2019, trembling as you locked the front door that evening. It was the first night you would sleep in your house in seven days. You didn’t want to lock the door because...
A one-in-a-million Brotherhood
As Caleb was growing up, I often prayed for positive, encouraging and loyal friends to be in his life. Being a military family we moved every 2-3 years and the kids were always forced to make new friends. To his benefit, he wasn’t shy, he was friendly, outgoing and...
The Forgotten Mourners
After Caleb died I was so consumed with grief and suffering that I could not see the pain and heartbreak that these two were feeling. I couldn’t be a mom to them...I spent weeks on the couch lost in sorrow with boxes of tissues. I’m thankful for friends and family who...
Forever a family of 5
This blog became an idea several months ago as I was using my Facebook page as a way to share my grief and give updates about how we were doing after the sudden death of my son. I realized quickly that my grief, pain and sadness needed a place to go. The more I wrote,...
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