It was a regular, calm evening and I went for a walk while I waited for oldest daughter to finish her horse riding lesson. My heart was whole and perfectly content. My peaceful walk turned chaotic and left me in a thousand shattered pieces after a phone call with my husband that I will never be able to unhear. He came home from soccer practice with our youngest daughter and saw a nightmare in real time. In a mere moment of weakness, our seventeen year old precious, happy and loving son completed suicide. The most horrific nightmare a parent could ever experience happened to us with no warning and no explanation afterwards. It was a bright, sunny and hot Summer day that went dark and cold when our family of five became four in an instant. My heart was beating out of my chest, I became blinded by tears, my senses went numb, I was shaking, screaming and confused. I blinked my eyes and my future went dark, my dreams unraveled as life as I knew it came crashing down around me. The hours, days and weeks that followed brought overwhelming grief, I couldn’t see that it was possible to survive the death of my child. With a husband, two daughters, many loved ones and friends, I realized quickly that going on was my only option. Since that very traumatic Monday evening, I’ve been working hard to see through this fog of tragedy while taking painful steps forward without my firstborn child. I’m learning how to manage grief in day to day life and not be controlled by unrelenting sorrow. I will never understand how we got here but with each day that comes and goes, God comforts me, my faith drives me and hope lights my way.